Forever one never the other…

January 8, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

Well, I took that risk and asked Puerto Rico out on a date.  He said no, which I am always prepared for on the off chance I ask someone out.  He said that even though he had said he was ready to start dating again, he is not.  He also said that he feels like dating me would be for fun it would be something meaningful, to which I replied, “I would hope so!!!”  He then went on to say that he feels if we started dating it would compromise our friendship, (can’t say that isn’t the first time I have heard that one…).  He asked if I asked him out because I really wanted to date him and I said “yes”.  He did say he can see the potential in dating me.  There was a period of about 5 minutes where there was just silence while I was driving.  He then asked if I was alright.  I was fine, and I exampled that I asked he said no and I was good. It wasn’t the first time I have asked and someone said no for whatever reason, so I was good.  No problem. He did say he was flattered by my asking him out on a date.

So, I asked, got a “no”, so I will leave it alone and keep moving forward.  Don’t really have a follow up plan, but it doesn’t seem I need one when it comes to finding a date or someone to go out on a date with me.  I do hope that me asking him does not change the dynamics of our friendship.  I know I will have to monitor my re-actions and attitude when he does start dating again and going on dates.  I am sure he will tell me about it and I will need to make sure I don’t base my mood at the time on past rejections from him.  Given time, I am sure I will get over it and let it go.  I have before in the past when I have been rejected by someone that I see regularly.

Forever the friend never the boyfriend.  Forever the groomsman never the groom.  Forever the single one never part of a couple.

 

-Amen-

Take the risk? A leap of faith…

January 5, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

I have been thinking lately of asking Puerto Rico out on an official date.  Telling him my status has been the one thing that has been keeping me from asking him, as I know that subject will need to come up.  I have never told him simply because there has never been a reason to tell him.  I chatted with Alpha and told him about my desire, and he encouraged me to do it, saying my status is not a big deal these days, but I still feel it could be due to past experiences.  I think we could have a chance.  I have heard of couples who started out as friends and a relationship developed from that friendship, but because they started out as friends, their relationship was a strong one.

For me the fear of revealing my status to him is playing a huge part in me asking him on even a first official date.  Normally if a guy was interested in me I would just tell him at the beginning about my status, as not to waste, but with Puerto Rico, its different.  I feel if I am rejected, which I have mentally prepared myself for should I ask him out on an official date, that it could change the dynamic of our friendship.  At this point I don’t know.  I can only think about it some  more and decide if I want to take the risk.

-Amen-

New Year’s endeavor…

January 2, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been fifteen days since my last confession.

This New Year’s Eve I cleaned my house and once that was done, I gave my house a sage smudging to, I know this sounds weird, clean the negative energy and replenish the positive energy in my house.  I felt it was a good way to start the new year. My goal is to attempt to be more positive minded in 2017, which will include meditating more.  I felt my home, where we all spend a lot of time, needed to also be a place of positive energy, so in order to promote that, I decide to “clean” and “replenish” the house. After that was done, I spent with AJ celebrating at their home.  We talked, had a few drinks, laughed at Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance.  After that, I came home and have been just relaxing since.  I return to work tomorrow, just like everyone else, but it is nice to return to work with a four-day work week.  I am also planning to return to the gym next Monday.  I ordered some supplements and will work on a routine for the gym.  I think it will do me some good to get back in the gym, both physically and mentally.  I also want to get as much of my bar done in my house as I can.  I have already started with the back room, which was always really cold.  I opened the walls up, by taking down the drywall, only to find the insulation there was really thin, so wasn’t doing much of a job.  I am waiting for an electrician to come out and give me a quote on how much it will cost to ground the outlets in the room.  Once that is complete, I will put up new insulation and get another friend to help me put up new drywall and then get the room painted…or paint it myself.  Good news is with the amount of work I have done in the back room, that is more money from my tax return I can apply to my bar in the front area of my house.  I am excited about that actually.  Small joys. (LOL)

Phoenix and his husband have adopted a baby and will be having a baby shower this Saturday.  AJ is also having their baby shower in two weeks for their baby coming next month.  The baby show will be here at the house.  Korea is doing the planning and asked if it could be here at the house.  I figured “why not?”, besides it is a bit centrally located for the people who are coming from various areas of the Puget Sound to attend the shower.  Korea is also heading up the decorations too, so I will be interested to see how my living room is going to look once he is done.

I am hoping for a good year in 2017, not that 2016 was horrible, or even bad.  Back in the gym, meditations, and just shooting to be all around more positive minded, hopefully those things will make 2017 even better.  Looking at those things, I will be focused more on self-improvement and less on focusing on the fact that I am single while everyone else around me is finding love, getting kids, and getting married.  Wish me luck in my endeavor for 2017.

-Amen-

Fear

December 18th, 2016

Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been fourteen days since my last confession.

In my last confession I spoke of a friend who a referred to as Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico and I met through soccer, maybe about a year and a half ago. We were both playing on the same team, and we begin to hang out outside of soccer. We have become really good friends and have talked on occasion about how there is an attraction we have for one another. I knew I was attracted to him back when we played soccer, but we I realized the feelings; he had already met and started dating his boyfriend. At this point, I just let it go and we remained friends, and became good friends. This he knows as I have told him this before when we talked about how we felt. He has revealed to him how much my opinion of him means to him, and he never wants to do anything where he feels I may judge him in a negative light. I have expressed to him, that I would not do that and that some of the things he has thought about doing and not done, I have actually done, so I would not judge him on that. He recently ended his 1 year relationship with his boyfriend, (this happened last month), and though I still feel the same way about him, I will not pursue anything at this point, because he is just fresh out of a relationship and I don’t wish to be somebody’s rebound guy. One thing about me his doesn’t’ know if my status. I have never shared it with him, because I didn’t feel there was a reason to. We were not about to sleep together, nor were we dating or about to enter into a relationship. I do feel that is part of the reason I have not moved forward with trying to advance our friendship to the next level because of fear. Fear of rejection from him. I feel that the rejection would change the dynamic of our friendship and possibly even ruin it. I can see myself giving us a shot at dating, but the risk of rejection from him because of my status brings me fear and convinces me not to attempt anything. I realize that my status has opened a new obstacle in my life for dating. Being in the Pacific Northwest being black seems to hinder your chances at love here in the gay community. People tell me all the time how I am a catch. I have a good career, I bought a house, I am good looking, and they maybe right, but being black and having a positive status appears to trump all the good. At least now I can see my obstacles; black, positive…..and fear.

-Amen-

Am I already the future…?

December 4, 2016

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been twelve days since my last confession.

My trip back home was very fun and relaxing.  There is something about being in the country where it is quite and all you can hear at night is the frogs and crickets, that really recharges me.  The food was great as always and the time with my family was terrific also.

I went to a cocktail party last night, for the first time ever and I had a really good time, although it was a…..different type of vibe I got at the party.  I went shopping Friday night with my friend, who will be known from this point on as Puerto Rico, which was also a lot of fun, and we had a little discussion; one which I will talk about in my next confession.  The cocktail party was given my another friend and his husband.  The husband is a bit older than my friend but he is a nice guy.  Some of their friends are really “uppity” gays. ”  “Uppity” older gays; by older I mean mid 40’s and up.  The conversations they had were interesting.  They talked about their various trips to Europe, Miami, and other places.  The services at places in other locations that they frequent.  The whole conversation was different than what I am used to, but strangely I didn’t feel “out of place” because of the conversation.  There was a guy there who had a very aggressive sense of humor.  They typical older, single, gay guy sense of humor.  He was 45 single and seemed to be enjoying life.  He talked about his travels, but did not talk too much about his job.  Even when I asked him what he does, he played coy and gave a vague answer of, “I make things look pretty…”.  I didn’t say anything, but I already knew he was a hairdresser.  I saw it on Facebook.  He made me wonder if that will be something similar to that in four years.  He appeared to be a guy who, at 45 was just content with his life.  Now I don’t know that for sure, but it appeared that way and I could be way off base, but there is a guy at work; gay, 45 or 46, single and says he is pretty much decided whatever, because he is “set in his ways”.  I wonder if that will be me.  Just finally content at 45 or 46 because it never happened for me, so I just decide I am “set in my ways”.  Am I already like that?  I am 41, single, and to be honest, looking back at all the trouble I have had with dating and trying to even establish a relationship, a small part of me has…given up on love.  So, here I am worrying if I will be like this when I am 45 or 46, when the truth of the matter is…I maybe already there.

 

-Amen-

Thanksgiving

November 22nd, 2016

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  Its been seventy one days since my last confession.

It’s been awhile since my last confession.  Since my last confession, I have started going to school online again, pursuing my bachelor’s degree.  I got my associate’s degree back in 2011, and finally decided to go back and continue to my bachelor’s.  My GI Bill will run out next year, so I am taking as many classes as I can before it does, and if I am not done when it does run out, I will see if an extension is possible.  I have already completed two classes and currently doing two, with two more set for February.

There hasn’t been much of anything else new with me.  Enjoying my job, doing school, and trying to enjoy life, one day at a time.

In about 15 mins I will be calling an Uber to take me to the airport.  I am flying back home to Louisiana for the rest of the week to spend Thanksgiving with my family.  We always have a good time and laugh.  I really enjoy it and am actually looking forward to it.  Sometimes I need that time at home to get that “recharge” of energy from my family.  That time I spend looking back at where I came from and looking at how far I have come.  Even through all my trails and tribulations, I came pretty far.  Makes me wonder what else is out there ahead of me; waiting for me.  With the year almost over, who knows what next years holds for me.  Well, I do know I plan to do some home updating.  Still waiting that bar in the front of my house.  Here’s to hoping for that next year.  So, I guess I should go and finish my final few things while I wait for my ride.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.  May it be an enjoyable day for you and whoever you spend it with.

-Amen-

Long gone are the…

September 12th, 2016

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

My birthday dinner on Saturday was really nice.  It was nice to have a dinner with a small group of friends.  We ended up going to a bar and hanging out there after dinner and having drinks and chatting for a few hours before everyone went home.

During dinner there was a discussion that really made me think about my search for a relationship.  The discussion was about open relationships and I discovered that a lot of my friends are in them.  It makes me feel like that what I want in a relationship is just not out there.  I don’t want an open relationship, but if that is the norm in the gay community, am I looking for something that no longer exist?  Some say they would do it now that they are older, but the older I get the more I know I don’t want one.  People say when you have been together for a long time you will want an open relationship, but I just don’t see myself wanting that.  I feel like that defeats the purpose of a relationship.  Why be with me if you are going to have sex with other people?  I am okay with people who have open relationships.  If that’s what works for their relationship, by all means, knock yourself out, but for me, in my fantasy relationship, it will not be nor will it ever be open.  Talking with AJ today, he seems to think it is a Seattle thing, because it is so liberal here.  I haven’t dated anywhere else, but Seattle, or at least tried to, so I have nothing to compare it to.  It just seems like everything is against me when I comes to relationships.  Black in the Pacific Northwest, HIV+, flaky gay community, and now not wanting an open relationship.  At this point, if I want a relationship, I would have to settle for whatever and live with an open relationship.  Long gone are the days of monogamy.  Long gone are the hopes I had for a relationship.

-Amen-