Less than two and a half months left…

October 22nd, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been forty three days since my last confession.

  Puerto Rico and I have begun to try and rebuild our friendship.  We ran into each other last month, and he approached me about why we were no longer talking.  This opened the dialogue for us to talk about the issue and we had a pretty in depth discussion about it.  We have since returned to texting each other and we have hung out a couple of times since then.  He was at the house Friday night and we hung out and smoked weed and we actually had a good time.  I think we are on our way back to being good friends, but I don’t know how close we will get to where we used to be, but I am opened to re-building what we have and seeing what the future holds from our friendship.

  October 9 marked the one year mark for me to graduate with my Bachelor’s degree in Information Technology.  Once that is complete, I will evaluate my job situation and decide from there what to do.  I have been thinking of moving.  I have looked at the past since I have been here in Seattle Washington and looked at my relationships and lack thereof.  I feel like maybe I need to move if I want to find love, but I am not sure that will solve anything.  If I did move it wouldn’t be until after I graduated next year in October.  Moving would be a huge endeavor, as in the past I had the military move me when I had to move, with the exception of when I moved into this house.  Speaking of which, I would have to find a renter for the house or sell it.  If any one reading this had some insight, please chime in; I would love to hear it.  In any case, I have time, as my plan at this moment is to stay put and get my degree.  After that, who knows, but I do know I would like to take a trip somewhere after I’m done.  Maybe Hawaii or somewhere else nice and warm with beaches.

  With the weather starting to change to the more cold and rainy seasons, I am going to focus on finishing up projects inside the house.  During the Summer I focused on the back yard and clearing out overgrowth.  I got just about everything I set out to do done, so next Spring/Summer I will start on another section of the backyard to clear that up.  With home ownership, projects have become a huge part of my weekends, at times.  There is something very satisfying about completing work around the house and seeing the progress.

  It is hard to believe this year is almost over with less than two and half month left in the year.  I guess it is time to start reflecting over this past year and start looking for the changes that next year holds, although I maybe thinking of next year too early.

-Amen-

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My 42nd Birthday

September 9th, 2017
Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been six days since my last confession.
 
Well, yesterday was the day, 42 year previous, I was introduced to the world.  This year I did something a little different.  I went to dinner, by myself.  I made a reservation for 1 at The Melting Pot.  It was a very refreshing and freeing.  I can say I have never actually had a dinner alone before, only movies.  I didn’t care what others in the restaurant thought about a man having a meal in this restaurant, which usually has couples, groups, or families, alone.  I felt this was a deeper step toward embracing my single status and being alone, especially doing this on the night of my birthday.  I think I will do more things like that.  I have always been okay to the movies alone.  Not like you are having a full conversation during the movie, but to actually go to a restaurant and have dinner, lunch, or hell, brunch is entirely different. 
I think exposing myself to experiences like that will help me embrace being single and enjoying myself by myself.  I feel that is something I should look at, given the history and the likely future of my relationship life.  I think it is a huge step in being comfortable with my own company, especially being single.  You know, I don’t know what the future holds for me, most of us don’t.  What I do know is I will focus on enjoying and being comfortable with being single and alone, and I will be happy.  I am sure there will be depressing moments and days.  I am sure there will be sad moments and days, but I can always reflect on my life and see those successful moments in my life when I was single and alone; reflect on those times when I was alone and going through some trouble times and see that even though I was single and alone…I made it through.  For me that says a lot about someone who is successful as a single person.
-Amen-

A sad relief about my bright future…

September 3, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been fifty-six days since my last confession.

It has been some time since my last confession and not too much has changed. Due to a vacation freeze at work from September 4th to the 22nd, I took off my usual birthday week this past week instead.  The week has been a relaxing one, and I have really enjoyed it.

I was doing well with the whole, not thinking about being single at 41 thing, until yesterday night.  I met up with an ex-coworker yesterday and we spent the day together laughing and talking.  She did bring up the fact that was single, and ask when I was going to find someone.  I guess this wouldn’t have been so bad, but she was the 3rd person in one week to ask me that question.  This has made me realize that I will be 42 years old in 6 days.  When I was younger I thought I would be in a serious relationship by the age of 40.  At the time, gay marriage wasn’t an option, so I didn’t really think about that, but at a minimum in a relationship, however, I have said it once and I will continue to say it.  No dream is guaranteed and the grace of age is we learn to accept.

The other evening I was laying on my sofa in the great room, looking at my backyard through the big windows that open to it.  As I was looking at the yard, I realized how much I had accomplished with clearing out the overgrown bushes and reclaiming the backyard that was covered by the bush.  I looked on my phone at a picture of the back yard I had taken when I first moved in, and then I looked at the back yard again.  The progress I made really made me smile, and I think my backyard will always be a symbol to me on the progress I have made since I moved in this house.  All that progress I made to remove the over grown bushes and reclaim my backyard, was done by me…on my own.  I had no help.  I got back there with my little electric chainsaw and cut down and filled up the yard waste bin.  Every week I would take time to fill that bin up and each week I would see more and more progress being made as I continued forward on my own. Now applied that memory, that flashback, (if you will), that story to my life.  Every major event I have achieved, experienced, or dealt with, I have been single, alone, and on my own.  I had no one to come home and celebrate my achievements with.  I had no one to come home and cry, vent, or talk to, if my day was a bad one.  I only had me to come home and me to go to bed with.  I’m not sure if that means something, but maybe it means I am supposed to be single.  Until it was mentioned last week by three people, I hadn’t really thought about it.  Maybe in my own way, I have come to terms with that realization and maybe by coming to terms with it, I mentally and emotionally prepared myself for my future by myself.  I will admit that there is a sad relief to this realization.  Sad in the fact that I could be single and alone for the rest of my days, I don’t count the occasional “hook-up” or one night stand as anything but what it is.  That quick sadness that is sometimes felt when I see happy couples together, be they friends or strangers.  That sadness I sometimes feel after leaving a gathering with friends knowing they are all going home to someone waiting for them at home, but I will be coming home to an empty house and empty bed.  That sadness that is felt sometimes when I know all I have to cuddle with is my pillow, and it will never hold me at night.  The relief however is the realization that despite the above sadness and the reason for it, I still made it this far and continue to move forward in life, alone.  The relief knowing that being alone, single, and seeing my friends in loving relationships, does not mean I am not a successful person in life.  The relief in knowing that, maybe, some things were just meant to be the way they are, and fighting it does nothing but causes addition stress and heartache.

I think I will be fine and I think my future will be a good and bright one, even being single.  I think that will make it even that brighter, because it was accomplished by me and only me with no support from a spouse or boyfriend.  Maybe I need to reflect on my backyard more often.  I seems to help with me reflecting on my life.

-Amen-

The pain of a burden…

July 8th, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been forty days since my last confession.

I haven’t really spoken with or hung out with Puerto Rico since back in May when we went to the Sounders game.  He said some things to me that night, that really confused me about our friendship and also said some thing that really hurt and made me take a step away from our friendship.  We have had a quick insignificant  “Hi”, “I’m fine”, “We should catch up soon”, text chat on the phone.

One thing he said to me what that he needed to stop only dating white guys, because he was trying to emulate them and was not embracing his true heritage.  I felt the overall statement was sad, because of his desire to be accepted and included with white people, but what stood out more for me was, if he is only dating white guys, why did he ask me last year why I never asked him out?  I would only think someone who is interested in someone else would ask such a question.  Then I thought about another conversation we had where he said he only got on gay apps because he wanted the guys to say how good looking he was and how they wanted to be with him or date him.  He said he would then end the conversation with them and log off because he was only looking to be validated.  Was that the reason he asked me?  Was I nothing more than an attempt to make him feel validated?  If so, why did he ever become my friend?

Even with that being said, I could have continued on with the friendship, because I was, (am), over the whole wanting to date him.  What made me take a step away from the friendship was the fact that he told me that he didn’t feel like he could be himself around me.  He admitted to, when I call him out on it that night, omitting parts of certain conversations when we were in a group talking.  He even blatantly turned around to whisper part of a conversation in someone’s ear while he was talking to a guy and myself.  If he can’t be himself around me, why are we friends?  If he has to make a conscious effect to omit parts of conversations and not be himself around me, that is a burden on him, and who am I friends with?  I have no desire to be a burden on anyone so I stepped away from the friendship, so he can be who he wants to be and not have to worry about changing his conversation because I am around.

I will say I am not happy about this, but I must be true to me.  Some times doing what you feel is right does not always make you happy, in the beginning.  I can’t say that I will close the door completely on any friend, but at this point at this, at this time, I need to walk away from the friendship, because of the pain.

 

-Amen-

I forgive you…

May 29, 2017

I forgive you.  I forgive you for allowing yourself to be put in a cage with no lock.  A cage that you have had the ability to leave at any time, because the lock was only in your head.  I forgive you for taking the path that lead to your current HIV status.  I forgive you for being afraid and considering suicide.  I forgive you for feeling ashamed, embarrassed, and dirty.  I forgive you for feeling like you don’t deserve love because of your HIV status.  I forgive you for sabotaging compliments you receive with the thought of, …”but I am HIV+”.  I forgive you for feeling less than.

You are a success, good looking, sexy, educated, man who has his shit together, despite having HIV.  Since you’ve been diagnosed with the virus you have achieve many things.  HIV did not stop you from those achievements, and it won’t stop you from any future achievements.  I forgive you for not seeing this before.

I forgive you, but most of all, I love you.

Love always,

From Me to Me.

My first step…

May 29, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been 23 days since my last confession.

I have not really talked to Puerto Rico since the last time we talked.  I feel like he is distancing himself from me, especially after he told me the last time that he felt he could be himself around me when we would go out and hang out, adding to that, I told him about my status.  I have decided to give him his space and simply, leave him alone.  The last conversation we had really opened my eyes to a lot of things of the past in regards to our friendship.  Maybe it is best if we are not friends anymore.  Maybe he is better just being someone I know.  This has taught me something however.  I need to not bring anymore friends into this.  I was going to tell Tweety Bird, but after Puerto Rico’s reaction, I don’t want to burden anyone else with my issue.  I will resort to meditation and refocusing my way of thinking.

Talking with Smallville a few weeks ago, made me think of some small steps that I can take on my journey to accepting my status and no longer allowing it to keep me in a jail; a jail with no lock.  My first step is forgiveness…

-Amen-

Guidance…

May 6, 2017

Forgiven me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

Some years ago, when I lived in Tacoma, I met a guy who I will refer to as Smallville, at a gay pride house party, (I believe back in 2009 or 2010).  Since that time we had seen each other again, maybe 5 times face to face.  I knew back then that Smallville was HIV+, so when I saw an old picture of Korea, Smallville, and myself, I reached out to him to talk to him about my situation, to which he agreed to meet me.  We met and had a very in depth conversation about what I was going through.  He admittingly said this was a tough conversation, but we talked and he gave me his insight, suggestions, and told me his stories.  He also made a statement, that brought me to tears.  I kept saying that I hadn’t truly accepted that I was positive, but he told me I had accepted it.  He said he could tell by everything I told him, but what I had done instead was allow my status to keep me a prisoner.  I had never really thought of that, but he was right.  I have allowed myself to be a prisoner to my status.  A prisoner in a cage with a closed door that has no lock.  It is up to me to stand up, believe in myself, take a deep breath, and walk out.  He suggested I talk to some close friends and create a support group, which I had thought about, but I think that is my first step.  He said by revealing my status to them, it will help me be more comfortable revealing it to love interests.  I think this will help me in the long run.  I am glad I am starting this journey.  All the things I have heard before, Smallville said.  I’m a good looking guy, who has a lot to offer and bring to the table.  Although, I have heard that many times, in my mind I always thought, “…but I am positive”.  I need to start believing that I am all those good things people say I am, despite being positive.  This is a scary road I am about to embark on, but it is one that I need to go down; especially if I ever hope to find love.

-Amen-