Guidance…

May 6, 2017

Forgiven me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

Some years ago, when I lived in Tacoma, I met a guy who I will refer to as Smallville, at a gay pride house party, (I believe back in 2009 or 2010).  Since that time we had seen each other again, maybe 5 times face to face.  I knew back then that Smallville was HIV+, so when I saw an old picture of Korea, Smallville, and myself, I reached out to him to talk to him about my situation, to which he agreed to meet me.  We met and had a very in depth conversation about what I was going through.  He admittingly said this was a tough conversation, but we talked and he gave me his insight, suggestions, and told me his stories.  He also made a statement, that brought me to tears.  I kept saying that I hadn’t truly accepted that I was positive, but he told me I had accepted it.  He said he could tell by everything I told him, but what I had done instead was allow my status to keep me a prisoner.  I had never really thought of that, but he was right.  I have allowed myself to be a prisoner to my status.  A prisoner in a cage with a closed door that has no lock.  It is up to me to stand up, believe in myself, take a deep breath, and walk out.  He suggested I talk to some close friends and create a support group, which I had thought about, but I think that is my first step.  He said by revealing my status to them, it will help me be more comfortable revealing it to love interests.  I think this will help me in the long run.  I am glad I am starting this journey.  All the things I have heard before, Smallville said.  I’m a good looking guy, who has a lot to offer and bring to the table.  Although, I have heard that many times, in my mind I always thought, “…but I am positive”.  I need to start believing that I am all those good things people say I am, despite being positive.  This is a scary road I am about to embark on, but it is one that I need to go down; especially if I ever hope to find love.

-Amen-

The road to acceptance…

May 3, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been forty three days since my last confession.

Puerto Rico and I hung out this past Saturday.  Went to a Sounder’s game with tickets I won in a raffle through the soccer club.  We spoke that night in length and he told me that he does not want to be anything more than friends.  He said we are in different aspects of our lives, and after his previous relationship, (which wasn’t good), he does not want to be in a relationship like that again.  He said we want different things in a relationship.  I want monogamy and he does not.  He said he does not even want to be in a relationship.  He wants to meet people and sleep around.  I felt before when he rejected my offer to go out on a date, that we would never be more than friends, but last night really gave me closure on the whole situation.  I will always love him and always care deeply for him, at least a part of me will, but I have decided to walk away from Puerto Rico emotionally.  I will continue our friendship, because that is important to me, although I have a question now, which I will ask him the next time I see him.  It has to do with if he is my friend out of pity or he really was interested in being my friend.  I will write about this in a future post.  However, at this point and time, I have detached from any intimate feelings for Puerto Rico and will focus on being friends.

I did after that conversation, tell Puerto Rico my HIV status.  He took it as well as I thought he would.  He told me it will be okay and I talked to him about what I have been feeling lately.  I have been feeling down…no, depressed.  Really depressed.  Not suicidal, but just really down.  For some reason it all hit me at once, and I realized, In the 5 years of having HIV, I never really accepted my status. I started out taking it one day at a time, and just continued to do that until it became routine, but I never stopped to accept the fact that I was HIV+.  I am not sure many people can understand the difference.  I have long feared approaching people our of fear of the rejection because of my status.  Hooking up with people is one thing, but to approach someone to get to know them with something serious in mind, brought fear to me.  The fear of revealing my status to someone I like.  The fear of rejection.  I have decided to face this and push through this.  I will seek therapy, but I was reading an article online about things other HIV+ people have done.  One thing I saw was common was a support group.  Many created a support group.  People they could talk to about it and that they trusted.  The goal is not to have people who have all the answers, but people who can be there if and when you need to talk about something that is related to your status.  So, that is my first step; create a support group.  I have already told Puerto Rico.  AJ already knows.  I will also tell Tweedy Bird, and maybe Phoenix.  Phoenix might be able to help me find a therapist to talk to.  I think this is my first in a journey to finally accepting my status and making sure I don’t let it control me, my future, or my outlook on life or myself.

-Amen-

Always a reason…

March 21, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been six days since my last confession.

Two weeks ago, I flew down to Portland, Oregon  for one day, for a work conference.  While I was down there, I met up with Portland, who I have not seen in quite sometime now.  We went out to dinner and caught up.  He and Little Otter have become friends, due to the circle of friends they have in Portland, Oregon.  Portland did say they had a talk about me and it was all good stuff.

Portland then told me he had come up to Seattle for work a few times and wanted to reach out, but didn’t because he was a coward, (His words).  He said that he even went to therapy after breaking things off with me.  He said that a lot of things we did reminded him of his ex that ended really bad, which I recall him talking about before.  He said he listened to his friends, who have had issues with anyone he has dated.  He said he looked for a reason to break up and that it had nothing to do with me, and he apologized.  I know it was supposed to make me feel better; actually it was more than likely something his therapist told him to do to make his self feel better, or something to that effect.  It didn’t make me feel any better, it actually just drove home what I always figured.  People find a reason not to be with me. He kept trying to make me understand that it wasn’t me, but what he didn’t understand is that although he apologized, and I appreciate that, at the end of the day, his actions drove home the point I have always said and I am still single and alone.  In the end, we went back to my hotel room and he spent the night and we had sex.

Spring is here and I think this is the season new love starts for people and you start seeing more of people because of the nicer weather.  Well, nicer than winter, especially here in Seattle.  I need to re-evaluate myself and life.  Maybe I need to see a therapist myself.  Who knows?  Maybe I need to take some time and really think about my life and love life…or lack thereof.

 

-=Amen-

The first kiss…

March 15, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been sixty-six days since my last confession.

My how time has gone by.  Since my last confession, Puerto Rico and I went out to a dance party with some other friends of his.  At some point during the night, we shared a deep and strong series of kisses.  A short make-out session on the dance floor. I must say, it was something I was thinking of doing long many times in the past, but did get the nerves to do it.  I enjoyed it and it was very passionate.  We did talk about it and we were both in agreement about it as a whole.  We were both glad it happened and that their are definitely feelings there on both sides.  He feels it strengthen our friendship and made him closer to me.  I explained to him that I had always wanted to do that with him, but never had the nerves, and that if it happened again, I couldn’t say I would stop it.  I went on to tell him I have had strong feelings for him for sometime now, but ignored them for various reasons, what I didn’t say was those reasons were the fact he was in a relationship and my status.  I felt the kiss was an opportunity to express my feelings for him.  I told him it was a moment we shared that I didn’t regret and it did make me feel closer to him also.  I told him he was a special guy to me and I enjoy the closeness I feel with him.  He said he didn’t know what would happen in the future, but he didn’t want to lose me as a friend or lead me on.  He also stated that he had shit to work on before he entered into any kind of serious relationship and he don’t think he could do anything casual with me, which I agree with.  Puerto Rico is too special to me to have casual sex with. I think we have a strong relationship, and no matter what the future holds we will be okay, because of that as a strong foundation.  I explained to him that I didn’t want to pressure him about anything because I never want him to ever feel awkward, uncomfortable, or feel like he can’t talk to me because of my feelings for him.  He agreed and said he didn’t want me to feel those things about him either.  He and I took a day trip to Steven’s Pass for a day of snow fun.  I snowboarded, (horribly), and he skied. Who knows what will happen with us, but I do have plans to tell him about my status at some point soon.  Not sure how that will turn out, but I do remember him saying once, that he had dated a guy who was poz.  I guess time will tell.  Despite the experience with Puerto Rico, my outlook on relationships, (at lest for myself), has not gotten any better.  I feel there are obstacles about me that will always be present and make the hopes of a relationship with anybody a hard to reach desire.

Finally got cabinets for my bar area.  I am putting them together this week; taking my time.  They will be installed on Saturday and next Friday, a template will be created for the counter tops.  Once they are created, the counter-top will be installed in April.  After that I have to look for black splash and open shelving. Really excited about this.  A step closer to completing my entry way and foyer to my house.

I took a trip to Portland last week, for work and met up with Portland.  We had a very interesting conversation.  One that I will talk about in my next confession.

 

-Amen-

 

 

Forever one never the other…

January 8, 2017

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

Well, I took that risk and asked Puerto Rico out on a date.  He said no, which I am always prepared for on the off chance I ask someone out.  He said that even though he had said he was ready to start dating again, he is not.  He also said that he feels like dating me would be for fun it would be something meaningful, to which I replied, “I would hope so!!!”  He then went on to say that he feels if we started dating it would compromise our friendship, (can’t say that isn’t the first time I have heard that one…).  He asked if I asked him out because I really wanted to date him and I said “yes”.  He did say he can see the potential in dating me.  There was a period of about 5 minutes where there was just silence while I was driving.  He then asked if I was alright.  I was fine, and I exampled that I asked he said no and I was good. It wasn’t the first time I have asked and someone said no for whatever reason, so I was good.  No problem. He did say he was flattered by my asking him out on a date.

So, I asked, got a “no”, so I will leave it alone and keep moving forward.  Don’t really have a follow up plan, but it doesn’t seem I need one when it comes to finding a date or someone to go out on a date with me.  I do hope that me asking him does not change the dynamics of our friendship.  I know I will have to monitor my re-actions and attitude when he does start dating again and going on dates.  I am sure he will tell me about it and I will need to make sure I don’t base my mood at the time on past rejections from him.  Given time, I am sure I will get over it and let it go.  I have before in the past when I have been rejected by someone that I see regularly.

Forever the friend never the boyfriend.  Forever the groomsman never the groom.  Forever the single one never part of a couple.

 

-Amen-

Take the risk? A leap of faith…

January 5, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been three days since my last confession.

I have been thinking lately of asking Puerto Rico out on an official date.  Telling him my status has been the one thing that has been keeping me from asking him, as I know that subject will need to come up.  I have never told him simply because there has never been a reason to tell him.  I chatted with Alpha and told him about my desire, and he encouraged me to do it, saying my status is not a big deal these days, but I still feel it could be due to past experiences.  I think we could have a chance.  I have heard of couples who started out as friends and a relationship developed from that friendship, but because they started out as friends, their relationship was a strong one.

For me the fear of revealing my status to him is playing a huge part in me asking him on even a first official date.  Normally if a guy was interested in me I would just tell him at the beginning about my status, as not to waste, but with Puerto Rico, its different.  I feel if I am rejected, which I have mentally prepared myself for should I ask him out on an official date, that it could change the dynamic of our friendship.  At this point I don’t know.  I can only think about it some  more and decide if I want to take the risk.

-Amen-

New Year’s endeavor…

January 2, 2017

 

Forgive me Father for I have sinned.  It has been fifteen days since my last confession.

This New Year’s Eve I cleaned my house and once that was done, I gave my house a sage smudging to, I know this sounds weird, clean the negative energy and replenish the positive energy in my house.  I felt it was a good way to start the new year. My goal is to attempt to be more positive minded in 2017, which will include meditating more.  I felt my home, where we all spend a lot of time, needed to also be a place of positive energy, so in order to promote that, I decide to “clean” and “replenish” the house. After that was done, I spent with AJ celebrating at their home.  We talked, had a few drinks, laughed at Mariah Carey’s New Year’s Eve performance.  After that, I came home and have been just relaxing since.  I return to work tomorrow, just like everyone else, but it is nice to return to work with a four-day work week.  I am also planning to return to the gym next Monday.  I ordered some supplements and will work on a routine for the gym.  I think it will do me some good to get back in the gym, both physically and mentally.  I also want to get as much of my bar done in my house as I can.  I have already started with the back room, which was always really cold.  I opened the walls up, by taking down the drywall, only to find the insulation there was really thin, so wasn’t doing much of a job.  I am waiting for an electrician to come out and give me a quote on how much it will cost to ground the outlets in the room.  Once that is complete, I will put up new insulation and get another friend to help me put up new drywall and then get the room painted…or paint it myself.  Good news is with the amount of work I have done in the back room, that is more money from my tax return I can apply to my bar in the front area of my house.  I am excited about that actually.  Small joys. (LOL)

Phoenix and his husband have adopted a baby and will be having a baby shower this Saturday.  AJ is also having their baby shower in two weeks for their baby coming next month.  The baby show will be here at the house.  Korea is doing the planning and asked if it could be here at the house.  I figured “why not?”, besides it is a bit centrally located for the people who are coming from various areas of the Puget Sound to attend the shower.  Korea is also heading up the decorations too, so I will be interested to see how my living room is going to look once he is done.

I am hoping for a good year in 2017, not that 2016 was horrible, or even bad.  Back in the gym, meditations, and just shooting to be all around more positive minded, hopefully those things will make 2017 even better.  Looking at those things, I will be focused more on self-improvement and less on focusing on the fact that I am single while everyone else around me is finding love, getting kids, and getting married.  Wish me luck in my endeavor for 2017.

-Amen-